A Horrible Legislative Session Part II: "Spicy"

I think I tweeted this, but several of us had a great conference call with Senator Dan Gelber last night.  He said that session is essentially in meltdown.  As if you couldn't tell.  Just check out yesterday's post on this elections bill (which died, by the way).

Anyway, sometimes public policy can be fun.

Just check out the latest attempt at it by Bob Jones University's finest, freshman Representative Rachel Burgin (R-56).  HB 425, baby [sexy, sexy PDF]. 

Dear readers, I urge you to read this bill in full.  Unless you are the proprietor of a substantial pornography collection, in which case you'll find this to be fairly run-of-the-mill.

Here's the thing.  You know how "massage parlors" advertise in your free weekly, or whatever?  This would put limitations -- severe limitations -- on what could be said and shown in the ad.  First Amendment issues aside, let's get to the good stuff.  Here is the list of words and phrases that this bill would make a misdemeanor if you published in a paper or magazine:

"actresses,"

Ladies and gentlemen, we're just getting started.  Time to send the kids out of the room... now:

"all our escorts have health certificates,"

"all our models have health certificates,"

Way to cover the bases, Rachel!  Hey, do you think they ever thought about where those "health certificates" come from? 

"bodies beautiful,"

I laugh out loud every time with this.  Not "beautiful bodies," but "bodies beautiful".  It's like art.  It really, really is.

"girls galore,"

"call us and make your point,"

Here we go, gang. 

"call us, we come to you," "climax," "couples and swingers," "desires," "direct to your room," "do you want a swinger," "dominance," "double delight," "erotic," "erotic encounters," "exciter,"

I didn't know "exciter" was a word.

"fantasies," "fetishes," "for adults only," "fox hunting,"

Does she have something against snooty British guys in red jackets on horseback with beagles?

"fulfill," "girls to go," "happy endings," "hard core," "hot," "it's legal in Florida,"

Hell, wait ain't legal in Florida?  At this point, I'm not so sure.

"love,"

This is troubling beyond words.  We have proposed to outlaw the word "love".  This is your Florida Legislature at work. 

"maid," "maids," "maid service,"

Memo to actual maids: you're out of luck in the advertising department.

"make your point,"

You sort of wish Rachel would make the point...

"massages," "models," "models, girls, or escorts in the privacy of your hotel or motel room," "models, girls, or escorts to act out your fantasies," "no need to leave your hotel," "no need to leave your hotel room,"

Good to clarify on those last two... I guess.

"nude models," "open 24 hours for your desires," "open 24 hours for your pleasure," "outcall," "rooms provided," "satisfy," "seductive," "sensuous," "sexy," "showers," "showgirls," "showguys,"

Showguys.  Best name for a boy band, ever.

"so good," "someone to enjoy," "special services," "spend some time with me," "spice," "spicy," "submit to pleasure," "swingers and couples," "swinging," "tantalizing," "the pleasure is yours,"

You have no idea.

"the utmost in discretion,"

Unlike this bill.

"two for one," "warm,"

Shit, wait, are we talking about sexy massages or cookies?

"we come direct to you,"  "we deliver," "we deliver the goods,"

Yep.  Definitely cookies.

"we go out" "we have a model, escort, or girl for your every need" "we respond immediately" "you always win" and "you won't be disappointed."

So call your State Representative and State Senator today and strongly urge the passage of HB 425.  Because... free cookies? 

Alright, alright.  On a vaguely more serious note, I remind you that the state is in a budget crisis.  I forget how many billions -- billions -- we're in the hole.  And things are not looking any better.  HB 425 died, but not before causing an unnecessary distraction.  I'd ask more of the likes of Representative Burgin, but given the depth and breadth of her apparent concern for policy and experience with it -- she was her predecessor's aide, and then worked for Hillsborough County for a bit, all while studying at the Moody Bible Institute, which just speaks volumes -- I think I'd be asking too much.